New Girl Spec Script Back to School
by cbstevp
Summary: Jess has a chance at a new job, Winston has a crisis, Schmidt faces a new boss at work, and Nick must make a decision about his and Jess' future.


_A continuation of the other four scripts in the series. Hope you enjoy it._

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO STATION CONTROL BOOTH

WINSTON is in the control booth, headphones on, producing the nightly sports show. He looks tired.

WINSTON

Okay, caller number three, you're next in line. Are you ready with your question?

CALLER NUMBER THREE

Yeah, I'm ready.

WINSTON

Okay, just remember there is no profanity, no plugging anything, and no non-sports related questions. Okay?

CALLER NUMBER THREE

No problem. I just want to know why the Lakers sucked so bad this year.

WINSTON

A valid question.

He hits switches and then speaks again.

WINSTON

OK, Phil, caller number three has a question about the Lakers' failings this year.

Winston hits another switch and then leans back in his chair and closes his eyes for a moment. Then a woman kisses him. It's DAISY. Winston is startled and almost falls out of his chair.

WINSTON

Baby! What...what are you doing here?

DAISY

Surprising you.

She starts kissing him again. He stands and they kiss some more.

WINSTON

Baby, this is where I work, I...I...oh, yeah...

She leans him over the control booth and he accidentally hits a switch with his butt. A large red light "ON AIR" flashes but Winston doesn't see it.

INT. LOFT, KITCHEN - MORNING

NICK and SCHMIDT stand by the coffee maker arguing, while JESS sits at the table eating breakfast.

SCHMIDT

This a top of the line coffee maker from Japan, Nick! It only takes the finest coffee beans from Brazil and Ethiopia. I don't want you putting your cheap-o econo-store coffee beans into it anymore!

JESS

Jar.

NICK

Definitely jar.

SCHMIDT

Really? Was that...?

NICK

Jar, man! You know the rules. We decide what is jar worthy or not.

JESS

That was definitely jar worthy. Five bucks at least.

SCHMIDT

Fine!

INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Schmidt walks to the douchebag jar and puts five dollars in it. Winston comes into the loft, looking shell-shocked.

SCHMIDT

Hey...What's up? You look like hell.

Winston flops on the sofa.

WINSTON

(dejected)

I got fired.

SCHMIDT

What?

Jess and Nick have heard and move to the living room.

NICK

No!

JESS

What happened?

WINSTON

None of you heard the show last night?

JESS

Ah...well, no. But to be fair, it's on from like 2 AM to 5 AM. So... what happened?

WINSTON

Daisy showed up and...things happened. Things happened.

They are confused.

NICK

What things?

WINSTON

Sexual things.

SCHMIDT

Player!

JESS

Jar!

Schmidt doesn't even protest this time and puts five more dollars in the jar.

NICK

Sex? You mean you and Daisy had sex in the station?

WINSTON

Yeah. In the control booth...and on the air.

They are shocked.

NICK

No way!

JESS

God, no!

SCHMIDT

You are the king!

He tries to high five Winston but they all just look at him.

SCHMIDT

Jar.

He puts more money in the jar.

PLAY THEME SONG and ROLL CREDITS

INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Winston sits on the sofa, his laptop on the table in front of him. Jess comes running from her room, wearing dress and cardigan, in a hurry.

JESS

Keys.

She grabs her car keys from a dish near the door.

JESS

I'm forgetting something.

Nick comes out of her room carrying her purse.

NICK

Your purse.

He hands to her.

JESS

Okay, I'm off. Wish me luck.

She gives him a quick kiss.

NICK

You'll be great.

JESS

Oh, God, I'm so nervous.

NICK

Relax, you're perfect.

She kisses him again.

JESS

Thanks. I'll call you.

And she leaves.

WINSTON

What's up?

Nick sits with him.

NICK

That school she subbed at a few weeks ago is hiring a full time teacher for September and she has an interview.

WINSTON

An interview? She already subbed there. Why don't they just give her the job?

NICK

Yeah, I said the same thing. Some labor law thing, where they have to advertise and interview...I don't know. I got my job at the bar because I knew more about making drinks than the guy who was serving me. They fired him, and hello job.

WINSTON

Didn't the guy that you got fired give you that broken nose?

NICK

Yeah.

He touches his nose.

NICK

Still say it gives me character. (beat) How goes your job search?

WINSTON

Slow. Not easy getting an interview when half the state of California heard you having sex on the radio.

NICK

Don't flatter yourself. Not that many people listen to that show.

WINSTON

But unfortunately the FCC did. They decided not to prosecute me as long as I didn't challenge their ruling. Now I am banned for life from radio broadcasting.

NICK

Ouch!

WINSTON

So that limits my job options. All my experience has been in sports, playing or doing stuff on the radio about it. Damn, how could I have been so stupid?

NICK

It's sex. All men are stupid when it comes to sex.(beat) Still mad at Daisy?

WINSTON

No. I mean, sure she caused all this, but I didn't stop her so it's my fault as well. We made up.

Schmidt comes out of his room, dressed for work.

SCHMIDT

Look at this. Two unemployed bums sitting on my sofa.

NICK

I have a job!

SCHMIDT

Nick, when you have a real job, where you have to crush it every day, come back and say that again and maybe I'll believe you.

NICK

I crush it every day. I crush ice, lemons, limes. You know, for cocktails.

WINSTON

I just got fired so I wouldn't classify me as a bum...yet.

SCHMIDT

The truth is that I am the only one around here with a real job.

NICK

Jess is out getting a real job right now.

SCHMIDT

And it's about frickin' time. Now what about you two? When are you two going to man up?

WINSTON

(upset)

I just got fired! Leave me alone!

Nick stands and comes at Schmidt.

NICK

Want to see me crush it, Schmidt? Let's start with your head!

Schmidt runs to the door.

SCHMIDT

Don't touch my hair!

He ducks out the door and Nick just misses his head.

NICK

Oh, he drives me nuts!

WINSTON

He ain't wrong.

Nick sits again.

NICK

(resigned)

I know, and that makes it worse. Jess' dad said the same thing. I need some direction in my life. Cece getting pregnant sacred me, man.

WINSTON

(confused)

What? You ain't the father? Are you?

NICK

No! But that could just as easily be me and Jess some day. I don't want to be raising kids on a bartender's salary and tips. And Jess' job is no guaranteed income, not the way the government is laying off teachers. We need stability.

WINSTON

I can't believe I'm hearing this from you. Talking about settling down with a woman and raising kids and having a real job. And can I just remind you that you and Jess just started dating.

NICK

You're right. But I just don't want to screw this up with Jess. My whole life has been one long screw up. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, Winston.

WINSTON

I was going to say that.

NICK

Yeah. So what's my move?

WINSTON

Go back to where you once were.

NICK

Huh?

INT. SCHOOL, DR. FOSTER'S OFFICE - DAY

Jess is sitting in front of DR. FOSTER'S desk.

FOSTER

This is all just a formality. Peg says you're great, you did great subbing those horrible children, and you have an outstanding resume. Welcome aboard.

JESS

(happy)

Thank you so much. You don't know how much this means to me. I won't let you down.

FOSTER

I'm sure you won't.

He holds up her resume, looks at it carefully.

FOSTER

Hmmm...there's just one thing, Ms. Day. One of our summer school teachers is out for a few weeks. Medical issue. I need someone to fill in before the regular year starts. You up for it?

JESS

Sure, of course. I'm still teaching writing twice a week in the late afternoon but if it's in the morning, no problem. What class is it? English? History? Math?

FOSTER

Something a little different than what you are use to.

JESS

Oh?

EXT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Jess is standing there in her dress and cardigan holding a basketball in front of a bunch of middle school kids all dressed in gym clothes.

JESS

So...this is a basketball. Am I right?

They all roll their eyes and groan.

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS BUILDING - DAY

Nick and Winston stand outside looking at the entrance to a big grey stone college like building. On a sign it says SCHOOL OF LAW.

NICK

Oh, man. I don't know about this Winston. It's been almost five years.

WINSTON

You wanted this once.

NICK

Yeah. But do I still want it bad enough?

His cell phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket.

NICK

It's Jess.

He answers.

NICK

Hey. What happened?...That's great! We have to celebrate! I'm buying the pizza!...Ah...yeah, with Winston...out for a walk. Huh? Okay.

He hands the phone to Winston.

NICK

She wants to talk to you.

WINSTON

(into phone)

Hey, Jess. Congrats!...Yeah...okay. See you there.

He hands the phone to Nick.

NICK

What's going on?

WINSTON

She needs my help.

EXT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Winston is here, sitting on the bleachers, laughing and shaking his head. On court Jess is trying to teach the kids. She looks flustered and sweaty.

JESS

Okay, Jesus...that's fine. Good basket. No, Sherrie, no punching...or elbowing. David, do you need your inhaler?...No?

A bell RINGS.

JESS

Okay...that's lunch!

She tires to blow a whistle but it just makes a squeak. The kids all run past her and head off the court. Two kids talk low as they go past Winston.

KID ONE

She sucks man!

KID TWO

She knows less about basketball than my grandmom!

Jess sees Winston. She's sucking wind and collapses on the bleachers.

JESS

Oh, thank god you are here.

WINSTON

Having a hard time?

JESS

I never taught PE before. And now they want me to do it for three weeks! I have to teach basketball and the kids already know more than me. And then we have volleyball next week, and there is soccer, and...and...I need help.

WINSTON

What can I do?

JESS

Teach me.

WINSTON

You want me to teach you about sports?

JESS

Yes!

WINSTON

All right then girl. First thing...you gotta look the part.

INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Winston sits on the sofa, making faces as Jess tries on various colorful and girly sports wear, in a montage of a fashion show.

Jess in a pink tutu skirt over black tights.

WINSTON

It's sports, not ballet!

Jess in sexy spandex and leggings, sweatband on head.

WINSTON

Didn't Olivia Newton John wear that back in 1983?

Jess in shocking pink outfit.

WINSTON

Are you trying to blind me?

Jess in all polka-dot gym outfit.

WINSTON

NO!

Jess in white T-shirt with one of Nick's black hoody's on top and loose grey track pants.

WINSTON

Ah...yeah. That'll do it.

JESS

Are you sure? I've got like ten more sets I can try on.

WINSTON

Only if you tie me to the sofa.

JESS

Fine. This is it then. So...now what?

WINSTON

Now, you have to learn all about what you teach so you can teach it to them.

JESS

Oh, man.

WINSTON

Yes, Jessica Day. It's time to go back to school. The Winston Bishop School of Sports.

He grabs the remote control and turns on the TV, flips through channels, finds a basketball game.

JESS

This is the Winston Bishop School of Sports?

WINSTON

All sports teams do this. They watch the other guys play so they can pick up on their weakness and tactics. Or in your case, the whole game.

JESS

Oh, Okay! (Beat) Should I take notes?

WINSTON

Do you have to ask?

She runs to her room and comes back with note pad and pen.

JESS

This is so much fun! Hanging out with Winston, learning about B-Ball, taking notes. (sings) Back to school!

Winston gives her a look like he's annoyed

JESS

Sorry, shutting it. Teach me.

WINSTON

This is a replay of game Nick and I watched two days ago. So first…

JESS

Where's Nick at anyway?

WINSTON

He had to go talk to someone.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Nick sits on a park bench with TRAN. Tran wears a yellow baseball hat and a brown cardigan.

NICK

I don't know what to do. Law school or not?

Tran shrugs.

NICK

I know! Right. That's the way I feel. Who cares? I mean sure, lawyers make big money and TV makes it look like a glamorous job but let me let you in on a little secret. It's not.

Tran nods.

NICK

See? Even you know that and you spend all day in parks and water pools.

Tran grins.

NICK

Yeah, it's a good life, isn't it? So you must be retired, good pension, raking in the big dough to buy all these baseball hats. What did you do?

Tran points to Nick.

NICK

What? Me? What...oh, you were a bartender?

Tran shakes his head.

NICK

No? A writer?

Another shake of the head.

NICK

Come on. A...a lawyer?

Big grin from Tran.

NICK

No way! And now all you do is spend your days relaxing? That's for me man. I'll do it! I'm going back to law school!

He stands up but then quickly sits again.

NICK

I can't do it again, Tran. It nearly killed me. With all the pressure to study, and being broke all the time, living in a loft with three roommates, having crappy clothes, a car that's falling apart, living week to week on my tips, and having Caroline nag me to death...my life was so horrible then. And nothing has changed, except the studying.

TRAN

And Jess.

Nick looks surprised he speaks and then nods.

NICK

You're right. There is Jess. She is the best, Tran, my friend. Is it okay if I call you friend?

Tran nods.

NICK

Thanks, man. You're always there for me. Jess is the best thing that ever happened to me, Tran.

TRAN

Then you do it for her, not you.

NICK

For us.

Tran smiles and nods. Nick stands and yells.

NICK

I'm going back to law school, ya idiots! (quiet) I'll show Schmidt who's crushing it now.

INT. SCHMIDT'S OFFICE - DAY

He is sitting at his cubicle and one of his lady COWORKERS comes by.

COWORKER

Heads up. New boss alert.

SCHMIDT

What? New boss? Since when?

COWORKER

Since Gina decided to take a year off to be with her new baby girl. Corporate sent him over this morning. His name is Dave Cartwright.

SCHMIDT

(shocked)

Him? You mean I'm no longer the only bro in this off?

COWORKER

What? Oh...I guess so.

SCHMIDT

Where is he? I have to meet my new soul bro.

COWORKER

Schmidt...

SCHMIDT

What?

COWORKER

Word is he's here to clean up our act. Be careful.

SCHMIDT

(dismissive)

Careful? Careful is for cry babies and losers. I'll show him who the real man is around here.

COWORKER

You're the only man until now.

SCHMIDT

And now I have a bro. Advantage, Schmidt. Where is he?

COWORKER

Gina's old office.

INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - DAY

A very young man, much younger than Schmidt, DAVE, sits behind a big desk with a big computer. SCHMIDT enters the open door.

SCHMIDT

Hey, my man. Welcome to the off.

He puts up a high five hand and no one hits it.

DAVE

Excuse me? Who are you?

Schmidt's face and arm fall.

SCHMIDT

I'm...I'm Schmidt.

Dave grabs his mouse and clicks on his computer.

DAVE

Oh, yes. Mr. Schmidt. I've been meaning to talk to you about...

Schmidt sits down and puts a big grin on.

SCHMIDT

About all the fine ladies we work with? Let me give you the low down. Secretaries are a big no-no. Just looking for that bling on the finger. Accountants are great but they know how much money you make which is something no woman should ever know. The sales gals, now that's where it's at. They're out of town half the time so you have freedom galore. Not that it matters to me much anymore. I have a steady lady.

DAVE

That is quite the list you have.

SCHMIDT

No need to thank me, Dave. Now, I was thinking about moving to a corner office and...

DAVE

You are quite something. Gina warned me all about you. In fact, she kept a substantial file on all your activities for the past seven years.

Schmidt looks uncomfortable now.

SCHMIDT

She did? A file. What...what does it say?

DAVE

There is enough here for a nice sexual harassment lawsuit, if anyone had bothered pressing for one. You could have cost this company millions in lawsuits. I think we need to talk.

SCHMIDT

(worried)

About what?

DAVE

You're attitude towards women.

SCHMIDT

In all fairness, Dave, life has been hell around here. These women have been picking on me and harassing me since the day I started here.

DAVE

Have you ever filed a complaint?

SCHMIDT

Ah...no.

DAVE

They have. Many of them.

SCHMIDT

For what?

FLASHBACK MONTAGE

INT. OFFICE CUBICLE AREA - Day

A nice looking woman walking away from Schmidt.

SCHMIDT

Suzie, that dress does wonders for your bod.

SUZIE

Screw you, Schmidt.

Another woman crosses behind the first one.

SCHMIDT

Lisa, like where your legs are going.

LISA

Get lost, loser.

A third woman walks by, a little bit chubbier than the other two.

SCHMIDT

Donna, sorry all the baby fat is still on your hips. Better hurry up or it will be permanent.

DONNA

Like your fat ugly head?

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Room full of woman, Schmidt speaking up front behind a podium. They are all laughing at him and he looks embarrassed.

SCHMIDT

That wasn't funny! You want to hear funny? Why did God make women? So guys would have someone to kick out of bed in the morning. Am I right?

Dead silence.

SCHMIDT

Come on! You guys make jokes about us too! I've heard a lot worse from all of you!

Dead silence, anger on many faces.

SCHMIDT

(nervous, high pitched)

Am I right?

WOMAN

GET HIM!

A rain of pencils, pens, notebooks comes flying at him as he tries to hide behind the podium.

INT. ELEVATOR

Schmidt and a beautiful female co-worker.

SCHMIDT

I'm going down. Are you?

INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - DAY

SCHMIDT

Oh, come on. That last one was a legitimate question. She just thought I said 'on you' not 'are you'. And to be fair, she later did sleep with me.

DAVE

And that was just September 21, 2010. Moving on...

INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jess and Winston are watching the basketball game on TV. Jess is taking notes on her pad. Winston has the remote control and he points to the screen and hits pause, and then slow motion.

WINSTON

See! Right there! That's traveling.

Jess looks confused.

JESS

So you can take three steps but then have to pass the ball?

WINSTON

Dribble. Dribble the ball!

She looks at her notes.

JESS

Or pass it, right?

WINSTON

Ah, yeah. Right.

Just then Schmidt comes in. He flops on the sofa, looks shell-shocked.

JESS

What's up?

WINSTON

Yeah, why ain't you at work crushing it?

SCHMIDT

They sent me home.

WINSTON

What?

JESS

Why?

SCHMIDT

Apparently, I have a problem with dealing with women.

JESS

Yeah, we know that.

WINSTON

That's not a secret.

SCHMIDT

Well, in the cold heart of corporate America it is a problem. I am being forced to take sensitivity training and cannot go back to work until I complete one week of seminars. Starting tomorrow.

Jess and Winston crack up laughing.

WINSTON

I can't believe it, man. You've been there for what? Seven years now? And they're finally going to do something about you and how you deal with woman?

JESS

Isn't your company all women? I mean...yeah, like, why now? What did you do?

SCHMIDT

Nothing! In fact, there is a new boss and he's a man! He's the one making me do it. And for the record, since I have been dating Elizabeth and realize I am going to be a father I have been extra careful not to do anything pervy.

JESS

I have noticed that. Your eyes are no longer on my chest when we talk...Schmidt!

His eyes are on her chest and he looks up.

SCHMIDT

Just you saying that made me look! Don't worry, Ms. Day. You no longer hold any thrill for me.

WINSTON

(disbelieving)

Since when has any woman not been a thrill for you?

SCHMIDT

Since she started sleeping with Nick. I never hit on any of Nick's women. Ever.

WINSTON

(nodding)

That is true.

JESS

Why? Afraid he'll pop you over the head?

SCHMIDT

You wouldn't understand. It's a bro thing.

WINSTON

I don't think I understand it either.

JESS

Come on Schmidt! Tell me why I don't turn you on anymore.

The loft door is open and Nick is there, with two large pizzas. He has heard the last part.

NICK

Well, this is a weird conversation.

He puts the pizza on the coffee table and sits with them, next to Jess.

JESS

I don't turn Schmidt on anymore.

NICK

Oh, you finally noticed?

Jess is surprised.

JESS

What? What's going on? Have I lost my sex appeal?

SCHMIDT

Yes.

NICK

No, no, no! But ever since Schmidt and I met, Schmidt has this thing about the girls I am dating. He won't hit on them, even after I break up with them. Even if he really liked her before I started dating her, he will not ask her out.

JESS

But...why?

NICK

After me, he knows he will just be one big disappointment.

SCHMIDT

Okay, okay. That's what you still think after all this time? Fine! Here's the real truth, Nick Miller. I don't thrill on your ladies because I respect you. I would never date a girl you spent time with. It's all about the respect, bro.

WINSTON

(to Schmidt)

Come to think of it, you never hit on my ladies either.

NICK

And I never hit on your ladies. Either of you.

WINSTON

Neither do I.

They look at each other in surprise.

JESS

(disbelief)

It took you more than ten years to figure this out?

Now they look sheepish.

WINSTON

Ah...yeah.

SCHMIDT

I guess so.

NICK

We are so dumb.

JESS

Wait. Schmidt and Winston both hit on Cece when you first met her. And Nick, you and Winston and Schmidt all hit on that girl Holly.

WINSTON

Not the same thing.

NICK

None of us were dating them at the time.

SCHMIDT

And we'd just met Cece and Holly so both were open season.

WINSTON

Yeah!

JESS

So...what about when you first met me?

SCHMIDT

That's why we had the no-nail oath, which Nick violated!

NICK

I didn't read the fine print!

JESS

Oh...I'm glad he violated it.

She gives him a little kiss. Schmidt and Winston roll their eyes.

NICK

(to Jess)

Congrats on the new job.

She blushes and smiles.

JESS

Thanks.

SCHMIDT

It's about frickin' time. Now what about you two?

WINSTON

Working on it, man!

JESS

Nick has a job.

Nick looks at his watch and stands

NICK

Which I am late for.

JESS

I need a drink.

WINSTON

Me, too.

SCHMIDT

Count me in.

NICK

Great, let's all go to work with me. Grab the pizza.

They all head out the door with pizza.

INT. NICK'S BAR - NIGHT

Winston leaves the table where Schmidt and Jess are eating pizza and comes to the bar.

WINSTON

(to Nick)

The usual. All of us.

NICK

One coke and cognac, one pink wine, and one Heisler. Cash, charge, or tab?

WINSTON

Tab, of course.

Nick ticks an imaginary list in the air.

NICK

I think that makes your bill now over a thousand dollars, sir.

WINSTON

I'll get that next week. So, what happened at law school?

NICK

I didn't go in.

WINSTON

What? We talked about this, didn't we?

NICK

Hold on, let me finish. I didn't go in right away. I went to the park and talked to Tran and he told me to do it.

WINSTON

He talks?

NICK

Sometimes. Not much. But when he does talk, words of wisdom my man.

WINSTON

So, when are you going to tell Jess?

NICK

Not yet. I might not get in so...I don't want her to be disappointed. What did she want with you today anyway?

WINSTON

They got her subbing for PE class and she needed my help. You are now looking at Jess' secret sports mentor.

NICK

How does that work?

WINSTON

So far...not that well.

NICK

It can only get better. I mean...she doesn't know much about sports. But it can't be that bad. Am I right?

Winston gives him a look and shakes his head no.

EXT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT - Day

Winston is teaching the kids while Jess sits on the bleachers nursing a sore ankle. Foster walks up. She tries to get up but falls. Winston sees it and runs over to help her.

FOSTER

Ms. Day, are you okay?

WINSTON

She rolled her ankle. Seen it before. No big deal. Just ice it and no activity for a few days.

FOSTER

Who are you, may I ask?

JESS

This is my friend Winston Bishop. He's helping me teach the kids.

FOSTER

Winston Bishop? Why is that name familiar? Were you in the news lately?

Winston looks worried.

JESS

(quick)

Yes. He's a star college hoops player.

FOSTER

Really? Here in LA?

WINSTON

High school in Chicago, then college in LA, and semi-pro in Latvia.

FOSTER

Latvia! I've been there. Twice! They have lovely goat's cheese and goat's milk.

WINSTON

Goats? Yeah I really can't…

Jess shakes her head at him.

JESS

Didn't I tell you? Dr. Foster loves goats.

WINSTON

And...and...and I love goats, too. In fact, our team mascot was a goat. I got to be good friends with it my rookie year.

FLASHBACK - INT. BUS - DAY

Basketball team of very big white Latvian guys on bus, with a cordoned off area in the back where there is a goat pen. Winston sits in there with the team mascot goat, hay, a bucket of some water the goat laps out of. One of the big players turns to Winston.

PLAYER

Hey, rookie. You careful. Goat like to make love. No have girlfriend for long time. Maybe you be goat girlfriend.

All the players roar at this and Winston just rolls his eyes. Then the goat nudges him and licks his leg.

WINSTON

Badddddd goat!

EXT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

WINSTON

Yeah, I love goats.

FOSTER

Really? We have a goat mascot as well.

WINSTON

You don't say.

FOSTER

How would you like a job?

Winston's eyes light up.

WINSTON

A job...doing what?

FOSTER

This. Teaching sports. It turns out our PE teacher will be gone longer than we thought. Do you have a teaching license?

WINSTON

My degree was in sports science and I have a level four coaching certification.

FOSTER

Oh. That's too bad. To teach classes we can only hire those licensed to teach in the public school system by the state of California.

He starts to walk away.

WINSTON

Wait. Doctor Foster, is it? Look, I really would like to work here. Isn't there some way we can work around the rules?

JESS

Yeah, help a brother out.

FOSTER

Well...I think we might be able to do something.

EXT. GOAT PEN - DAY

Winston is using a pitchfork to shovel hay to the goat mascot.

WINSTON

Damn goats again.

The goat tries to lick his hand. Winston brandishes the pitchfork.

WINSTON

Back off! I got a woman already!

INT. LOFT, DINING ROOM TABLE - NIGHT

Nick is sitting at the table with a bunch of papers, forms he is filling out. Jess comes in, Winston helping her. She is still hobbling a bit.

INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

NICK

Whoa! What happened?

JESS

Sports injury.

Winston helps her to the sofa, looks at her ankle. She winces when he touches it

WINSTON

Yeah, it'll be tender for a few days.

NICK

You should see a doctor.

JESS

Maybe...

WINSTON

No big deal. Just put ice on it.

Nick goes to the fridge and gets an ice pack, comes back, gives it to Winston and he puts it on her ankle. Nick sniffs.

NICK

What's that smell?

JESS

Goat.

NICK

Goat?

WINSTON

Yes, goat, damnit! I got a new job.

NICK

Congrats. Doing what? Goat herding?

WINSTON

Sort of. And I get to coach part-time at Jess' new school.

JESS

(sings)

We're going to be co-workers. On the down low.

NICK

What? On the down low?

WINSTON

Technically I am not qualified to teach. So they bent the rules a bit. I have been hired as the official mascot caretaker and the coach of the school's sports teams.

NICK

Which team?

JESS

All of them. Money is tight.

NICK

So who's going to teach sports?

Winston looks at Jess and Nick's eyes go wide.

NICK

No way!

JESS

What? I know how to teach. I just need to brush up on my sports knowledge.

NICK

Yeah, right. That'll take like...forever!

Jess is mad.

JESS

Listen, Miller, just because you're from Chicago and know all about the Celtics and...

NICK

That's Boston.

JESS

And the Cowboys…

WINSTON

Dallas.

JESS

And the Yankees...wait. New York right?

Nick and Winston nod.

JESS

Oh, man, I need help.

Winston's phone rings.

WINSTON

That's Daisy.

He moves off down the hall, answering phone as he goes.

NICK

Not to worry. I have thirty-two years of useless sports knowledge in my head waiting to be let loose on the world.

JESS

Great.

Jess now notices all the papers on the table.

JESS

What's all this? Late with your taxes?

NICK

Nope. I was going to wait but now I guess is as good a time as any. With all this recent pregnancy talk and Winston getting fired it got me thinking. A lot. About the future.

JESS

The future? You mean...our future?

NICK

Yeah. So...I went to my old university and I talked to the dean and...

JESS

Oh, God.

NICK

I'm thinking about going back to finish law school.

Jess is very surprised and pleased.

JESS

Nick...that's...amazing!

NICK

It's not going to be easy. I still have to get accepted. And if I get in I still have a year of course work to finish, and then a year working at a law firm, if I can get in one, and then the bar exam, and then there are so many lawyers and the...

But he stops talking as Jess kisses him.

NICK

Okay. I guess you're happy.

JESS

I am. You're doing something for me.

NICK

For us.

JESS

For us. So...when do you start?

NICK

Classes start in September if I get in. I have to fill in all these applications now to get in under the wire.

JESS

Oh, man. That's soon. What about paying for it all?

NICK

Zombie money. But it's going to take all I got saved.

JESS

So you'll still be bartending?

NICK

As much as I can.

JESS

So...when will I see you?

Nick laughs.

NICK

Every night, silly.

JESS

Oh, yeah.

She kisses him again. Schmidt comes in and just rolls his eyes at the two of them.

SCHMIDT

Can't you two ever keep your hands off of each other?

NICK

Nope.

JESS

Don't want to.

He sits on the sofa.

JESS

Nick has great news.

NICK

I might be going back to law school.

SCHMIDT

(calm)

That's good.

They look at him, puzzled.

NICK

That's it? No...it's about time, Miller, you got off your lazy ass and made something of your life?

Schmidt looks whipped.

SCHMIDT

I'm just...yeah. What you said.

JESS

Sensitivity training not going well?

SCHMIDT

The worst.

ROLL END CREDITS

INT. LARGE ROOM - DAY

Schmidt sits on a chair in the middle of a circle of aggressive looking women, standing and staring at him. He looks terrible. An INSTRUCTOR, a very femme man, is nearby. On the outside along the walls are other men. They all look like hell, and some are weeping.

INSTRUCTOR

Now class, I know it's been a rough day. But we are making progress, aren't we? Now this exercise is designed to, how shall we say, make you see what it is like to be in someone you harass' shoes. Ready, girls? Let him have it.

The women start circling Schmidt, acting aggressive and moving suggestively.

WOMAN ONE

You look hot today. Want a date?

SCHMIDT

(scared)

No, thank you.

WOMAN TWO

I bet you can go all night, tiger.

SCHMIDT

(high pitched)

I have a girlfriend. Please, leave me alone.

WOMAN THREE

Come on. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, will it?

SCHMIDT

I love her! Leave me alone!

WOMAN FOUR

I just want your body.

SCHMIDT

(in tears)

I'm not having fun. Can I go now? I promise I will be good to women. Just...LEAVE ME ALONE!

FADE OUT


End file.
